A Ranking of All 168 Seinfeld Episodes

This was originally published on June 24, 2016.

Comedy is completely subjective. No two people will find the same exact things funny.

However, I was so appalled by this list that I felt the need to make a list of my own.

I’ve read countless lists, seen dozens of brackets and had plenty of people tell me what they think are the best episodes of Seinfeld. Every time, I felt like there was something wrong, something missing to the rankings.

Finally, this list by Vulture forced me to go back and re-watch every episode from the start of the show’s run to the finish and rank every single one based on several key factors: how memorable the episode is as a whole, how many “big” moments it has that stand out from the entire show, how re-watchable the episode is if it shows up on TBS at 2 a.m.

But most importantly, how funny the episode was. This was, after all, a comedy, so the funnier the episode, the higher it will likely be.

So let’s dive in.

Note: The episode numbers are by the original air date

168. The Dog (Episode 21–3.4)

Man. This is bad bad bad bad. I don’t like this episode at all. No flow, no nothing. Just yelling at the stupid dog that you hate more than Jerry because the episode lacks a real plot. Sure, we see the awkward dynamic between Elaine and George where they have nothing to talk about except Jerry, but this is about as painful an episode of Seinfeld you will find.

167. The Robbery (Episode 3–1.3)

Oof. This episode was almost tough to get through as well — at least for an episode of Seinfeld. Even slower start than the first two episodes but it does seem to build a bit near the middle. There’s no real peak to the episode though. Jerry gets robbed, thinks about moving into a new apartment, doesn’t. This episode was just — there.

166. The Baby Shower (Episode 15–2.10)

Another ho-hum episode at the start of the show’s run. Elaine wants to throw a baby shower to impress a ‘friend,’ while Kramer gets Jerry illegal cable. The whole episode just feels off, especially where Jerry has the nightmare he is being shot and killed by the FBI. That to me might be the strangest moment in Seinfeld history — didn’t line up with the show at all for me.

165. The Stranded (Episode 27–3.10)

Jerry and Elaine get stranded at a party on Long Island after George goes home with someone from work. Their party is hosted by none other than Boston University grad Michael Chiklis and Elaine delivers her ‘maybe the dingo ate your baby’ line, but it’s otherwise a very mediocre episode. A couple of minor things I noticed were a reference to 129 West 81st Street but not as Jerry’s apartment and the saxophone at the start of the party is the same played several other times throughout the series, most notably (to me) while Elaine is on her date with Keith Hernandez.

164. The Statue (Episode 15–2.10)

Season 2 was not as good as I remembered and this episode is a shining example. A statue that is meant for George is stolen from Jerry’s apartment but the guy who stole it won’t admit he stole it yada yada yada Kramer steals it back. This is the first episode where ‘Lord of the Manor’ is used, but obviously not in the same way it is used in a later episode.

163. The Stock Tip (Episode 5–1.5)

One of the few episodes that ends up being a win for George and a loss for Jerry, literally. George takes the stock tip from a guy who knows something, Jerry sells too early and Jerry’s stuck in Vermont with the girl he staked out earlier who turns out to be somewhat crazy. The episode is really lacking and closes out a mediocre Season 1.

162. Male-Unbonding (Episode 4–1.4)

Some minor memorable moments from this episode, including Kramer’s idea to make your own pizza pie and Elaine wanting to go to a coffee shop but not talk. Other than that, this is a pretty lackluster episode. Jerry wants to break up with his childhood friend who has no other friends, but it just comes off as annoying most of the time rather than funny.

161. The Library (Episode 22–3.5)

I don’t like Bookman as much as most people, although I do love Kramer’s line that his last name is “like an ice cream man named Cone.” Sure, we’re given the name ‘Cantstandya,’ but again, it’s a pretty lacking episode. Tropic of Cancer (or Capricorn, whatever one) doesn’t do it for me.

160. The Keys (Episode 40–3.23)

The Keys just feels kind of broken, with Kramer’s trip to Los Angeles and everyone exchanging keys because Kramer broke “the covenant of the keys.” Also, why would Elaine have George’s keys and vice versa if they barely spoke to each other outside of Jerry? The only really redeeming part of this episode is Jerry and George discovering Elaine’s script for Murphy Brown and Kramer’s appearance on Murphy Brown just moments later.

159. The Jacket (Episode 8–2.3)

Jerry gets an expensive suede jacket that cost $400 $600 $700 $1000(?!) and is ruined in the snow because Elaine’s hard-ass father won’t let him turn it inside out. Most of the episode’s humor relies on the awkward waiting between George/Jerry and Mr. Benes for Elaine, although we do here the great story about Tailgunner who had his brains blown out all over the Pacific (and there’s nothing funny about that). It’s also hard to watch this episode and not have a Les Mis song stuck in your head.

158. The Busboy (Episode 17–2.12)

George thinks he gets a busboy fired and spends the entire episode trying to help him out, only to make matters worse, of course with a little help from Kramer. Not much to this episode, but there’s some fantastic acting by Julia in the later part of the episode where she tries to get the guy that’s staying with her to the airport on time. It’s also the episode where George names the best toilet in the city when given an address.

157. The Puerto Rican Day (Episode 176–9.20)

The final episode before the finale — let me put it plainly — sucks. I mean laser guy pointing a laser at George’s head? George’s horrible zinger of “that’s gotta hurt” that he fumbles with in the theatre? The whole Puerto Rican Day Parade (which I don’t really find racist, just not funny)? The only redeeming qualities of The Puerto Rican Day are the Pennypacker-Vandelay-Varnsen interactions and George and Kramer eating churros.

156. The Stakeout (Episode 2–1.2)

Incredibly forgettable episode. Outside of the introduction to George’s alter ego Art CorvelayVandelay and Kramer asking for a medical dictionary to try and look up the word ‘quone,’ there’s not too much going on. We’re also introduced to Elaine in this episode, but she seems very static and typically female in this episode, as opposed to the actual person she becomes later.

155. The Pony Remark (Episode 7–2.2)

The title of the episode tells you all you really need to know. Who figures an immigrant’s gonna have a pony? It’s pretty much the entirety of the episode. Although we are introduced to Uncle Leo in The Pony Remark so the episode isn’t a total loss.

154. The Truth (Episode 19–3.2)

Meh. This episode is kind of just there as well. Everyone decides to tell the truth, which obviously ends badly for everyone. There’s not much to the episode except for George’s explosion at his ‘pretentious’ girlfriend whom he uses the “it’s not you, it’s me” line on and sends to a mental institution. The truth? This episode isn’t that great.

153. The Bottle Deposit (Episodes 131 & 132–7.21 & 7.22)

Easily the worst two-parter for me, yes ahead of The Finale. I don’t think Brad Garrett’s character was funny, I don’t think the whole stolen car storyline is funny and the bottle deposit story did not have enough to carry a 45-minute episode, in my opinion. I think this would’ve done well as a normal episode, but it seems far too dragged out. However, the Michigan bottle deposit idea is the perfect storyline for Kramer and Newman, it’s just poorly executed, in my mind.

152. The Wig Master (Episode 129–7.19)

The great visual from this episode is Kramer the Pimp, wearing Joseph’s Technicolor Dreamcoat while walking down the streets of NYC with Elaine’s walking stick and a hat he found blowing down the road. However, outside of that and the ending storyline that Kramer is the pimp turning tricks in George’s Jiffy Park parking lot, this episode is ho-hum. Nothing too great.

151. The Seinfeld Chronicles (Episode 1–1.1)

Honestly, the first episode’s a lot better than I remember. There’s a very natural feel to the episode, as they establish early this is supposed to be “a show about nothing,” just people talking about every day things. However, there’s only one storyline with Jerry’s friend coming into town and that makes the episode move at what seems like a crawl. There’s certainly potential but it’s definitely untapped in the Seinfeld Chronicles.

150. The Junk Mail (Episode 161–9.5)

This is another one of those episodes that I’m just hoping will end sooner than later. Sure it’s always funny when they make fun of the Post Office, but it’s better in small doses rather than focusing an entire episode around it. The Wilfred Brimley appearance is decent and anything with The Wiz is a good thing, but this episode is pretty meh.

149. The Revenge (Episode 12–2.7)

George does what all of us have wanted to do and slips a mickey to his jerk of a boss. This is really the first episode where Michael Richards puts his physical comedy on full display as Kramer attempts to put concrete in a washing machine. George also lists jobs he’d like to get (I like sports, I could do something in sports). This is the first episode where we’re introduced to Newman, although it’s just the voice of Larry David.

148. The Friars Club (Episode 128–7.18)

Season 7 has some stinkers for me and this one just isn’t very good at all. Kramer tries to model his sleep schedule after Da Vinci (which means ‘of vinci’) and ends up being tossed in the Hudson, Jerry loses the blazer he forgets to take off because The Flying Sandos Brothers throw it and George thinks the girl he’s dating is the one. I have nothing else to say about this episode because not much goes on.

147. The Nose Job (Episode 26–3.9)

George’s girlfriend’s nose is massive, but he’s not sure to tell her how to get a nose job. In comes Kramer, who just blurts it out and ends up making her get the nose job. Nose job is botched, George can’t look at the girl, then they fix it and the girl ends up with Kramer. Classic Seinfeld-ian logic. I always found it strange that Audrey reveals her nose job to the group and not family or closer friends. This episode also has the strange Penis vs. Brain battle and is Kramer’s first mention of his alias (Peter) von Nostrand.

146. The Heart Attack (Episode 11–2.6)

Some very relatable everyday moments (at least for me) in this episode where George thinks he has a heart attack. Jerry writes down something (Flaming Globes of Sigmund) while he’s asleep but can’t read it when he wakes up (something I’ve done often) and George thinks he’s going to make life changes (but doesn’t) after having the ‘heart attack’ (something I’ve also done a lot. The making changes after something happens, not having a heart attack). This episode also marks the first mention of both ‘lupus? Is it lupus?!’ and Kramer’s buddy Bob Sacamano.

145. The Parking Garage (Episode 23–3.6)

To this day, I say that any urinary problem is uromysitisis poisoning. This episode really expands on Kramer’s character: telling Jerry and George to pee anywhere, lugging around the air conditioner (which was actually in there because Michael Richards) and getting lost from the group/forgetting where he put the air conditioner (Purple 23). A decent bottle episode but nothing stands out too much on re-watch.

144. The Muffin Tops (Episode 155–8.21)

The only thing that salvages this episode at the end for me is Newman as a “Cleaner.” Otherwise, this episode sucks. The J. Peterman Reality Tour isn’t that funny and the Jerry shaving his chest/werewolf storyline is so stupid. The only notable thing I really noticed in this episode is when Kramer tries to drop off the stumps, he goes to a “Jiffy Dump,” manned by the same guy who had the Jiffy Park where prostitutes were turning tricks in the parking lot.

143. The Pez Dispenser (Episode 31–3.14)

Jerry gets Elaine in trouble after putting a Pez Dispenser on her leg and making her laugh during George’s girlfriend’s piano recital. Pez is funny, but not too funny. This episode is the first mention of Kramer’s beach cologne and also has the argument that you need “hand” in the relationship, referring to the upper hand. It also teaches us that Post-Em is a very underrated drink.

142. The Maestro (Episode 113–7.3)

I cannot stand The Maestro. I just don’t find him funny. Maybe it’s because he’s Neidermeyer from Animal House. The only good thing to come out of this episode is Jackie Chiles, whom we meet for the first time. Outside of that, this is really one of my least favorite episodes from post-Season 2.

141. The Pothole (Episode 150–8.16)

This is an episode where I find it a little funnier than most because of the Yankees element, with the Phil Rizzuto “holy cow” keychain, but it’s still not that great an episode. Elaine’s storyline with the supreme flounder is soooo drawn out and Kramer’s storyline of buying a highway is ok but it can’t run an episode. Really the only good thing about The Pothole is Newman singing ‘Three Times a Lady.’

140. The Ex-Girlfriend (Episode 6–2.1)

It’s episodes like this that make me glad I re-watched the show before doing the rankings. In terms of memorability, this episode seemed fairly pedestrian. However, actually sitting down and taking in the episode was much more enjoyable than I thought it would be (it’s still #140, but…). Jerry getting with George’s ex-girlfriend likely would’ve been a stale plot in Season 1, but the execution seemed much better in the second season. I also left out Jerry’s stand-up from the ranking of the episode, but felt the need to mention his “waiting room” bit he performs in this episode.

139. The Barber (Episode 71–5.7)

One of the weaker episodes in an otherwise strong Season 5 — The Barber just doesn’t do it for me. George thinks he gets a job but isn’t sure because the guy conducting the interview gets interrupted as he’s making his decision. Otherwise, it’s Jerry getting a bad haircut from an old guy and sneaking around to try and get haircuts from his nephew, just rather boring stuff. However, the episode has the ever-classic George drumming at his desk with pencils, which we’ve all done once or twice.

138. The Doll (Episode 127–7.17)

The Doll doesn’t really do it for me. So the doll looks like George’s mother. Big deal. Maybe it’s the addition of Kathy Griffin’s character, but this episode just isn’t that great. The only real laugh out loud moment for me in this one is Kramer, Frank and the Maestro playing pool. Even then, it’s not really enough to salvage the episode.

137. The Betrayal (Episode 164–9.8)

The Betrayal is otherwise known as “the backwards episode,” and honestly, it’s nothing special. George is mad at Jerry for having sex with a girl he likes, Elaine goes to India(??) and brings Jerry and George for a wedding of a friend she hates. I mean the idea isn’t bad and I feel like this could’ve worked for another show or maybe Larry David could have made it work, but it just doesn’t seem right. It’s a bit off.

136. The Apartment (Episode 10–2.5)

Jerry makes the mistake of allowing Elaine to move in above him, prompting him to get in an argument with George over who is the bigger idiot. This leads to one of my personal favorite lines in the show, with George proclaiming himself ‘lord of the idiots’ until a new contender suddenly emerges. This episode is also the first instance of Elaine’s ‘get out!’ and has George and Jerry discusses the ‘home bed advantage.’

135. The Parking Space (Episode 39–3.22)

George and Mike “that Michael Jordan is so phony” Moffitt get into a fight over who deserves a parking spot. It’s a little too drawn out for my liking and kind of silly, even for a Seinfeld episode. Normally, I would side with George in that the backer-in has the right of way, but there looked like plenty of room and George was just talking while sitting way too far ahead (am I really analyzing this?).

134. The Diplomats Club (Episode 108–6.22)

Ugh. The end of Season 6 was going out on such a high note then this episode happens. I’m not sure if it’s Debra Jo Rupp’s annoying character, Jerry in Ithaca, the lack of George throughout the episode or what but I don’t like this one. The only really noteworthy thing was Mr. Pitt firing Elaine because he thought Jerry tried to poison him. Anyway, the image of Newman double dating with Son of Sam got me, while George saying “I would’ve marched in Selma if it was on Long Island” made me pause the video because I love that line so much. Otherwise, it doesn’t match the rest of Season 6.

133. The Pen (Episode 20–3.3)

STELLA!!! I’m not sure what makes Elaine’s scream so funny, but I laugh every time I watch the episode. Morty and Jack Klompus’ argument over the astronaut pen is something I feel everyone can relate to and Seinfeld finds the humor in having old people argue (something they do more often as the seasons progress). It’s strange not having George and Kramer in the episode, but it’s not horrible.

132. The Apology (Episode 165–9.9)

The episode that teaches us the difference between good naked and bad naked. But really, The Apology is about James Spader not wanting to apologize to George for having a big head. Again, I feel like they’re reaching at this point. It just doesn’t seem like a storyline that can drive an episode.

131. The Nap (Episode 152–8.18)

The Nap is another one of these Season 8 episodes that’s just a bit too ridiculous. Who is this Conrad character and why the hell does he agree to make a home out of George’s desk? Why does he make a whole new kitchen for Jerry? Why does Steinbrenner not know his grandkids names? I really just can’t get into Season 8, if you couldn’t tell already.

130. The Wizard (Episode 171–9.15)

Kramer moving to Florida and running for condo President as a puppet figure behind Morty is just the sort of ridiculous storyline you’d expect from Season 9. I do like the silly Larry David headlines they put in each issue of the “Boca Breeze,” but really it’s another one of those episodes that make you miss Larry or think the show should’ve ended a year or two earlier. Elaine’s “black” boyfriend storyline is meh, until he says he’s white and they both agree to go to GAP because it’s what white people do.

129. The Summer Of George (Episode 156–8.22)

Sure this episode has name memorability, but am I likely to watch it again if it’s on TBS? Eh, probably not. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like Raquel Welch beating up people more than most others, but it’s just got no pizazz. The “dude” storyline and George working as Jerry’s relationship helper isn’t that great and Molly Shannon not swinging her arms is not doing it for me. However, Kramer’s seat-filler job is worth a couple laughs, especially when he smacks a guy in the back of the head after chewing on some jerky.

128. The Susie (Episode 149–8.15)

Believe it or not, George isn’t at home so leave a message at the beep. How else would this episode be memorable if not for the greatest answering machine of all-time? The answer is it wouldn’t be. The Susie really isn’t funny, with the exception of Mike Moffitt coming back, breaking his thumbs and Jerry laughing maniacally with Elaine while Mike is in the trunk. Yeah, it’s a typical Season 8 episode.

127. The Letter (Episode 38–3.21)

This is the episode that gives us ‘The Kramer,’ the wonderful painting by the woman from The 40 Year Old Virgin. Meanwhile, the rest of the episode is all right, with Jerry finding out his girlfriend stole the breakup letter she wrote to him from Neil Simon’s Chapter Two. Elaine also wears an Orioles hat in the Owner’s Box but refuses to take it off. Personally, I side with the people telling her to take it off.

126. The Note (Episode 18–3.1)

Upon re-watching, I had completely forgotten how homophobic George was. He wants a note for a massage, during a massage he “thinks it moved” and spends the whole episode trying to prove he’s straight. Kramer sees Joe Dimaggio dunk his donut at Dinky Donuts and George has one of the most underrated lines in the show, “I’ve never been happy…maybe in college.” This episode is also the only one with vocals in the ‘intro,’ with the singers saying what sounds like “easy to beat.” Overall, a solid episode, but nothing spectacular.

125. The Phone Message (Episode 9–2.4)

An episode best known for getting the song ‘Lemon Tree’ stuck in your head or to scream ‘tippy toe!’ when someone approaches. This is also the first episode where we really see both George and Jerry in their natural state around women. George is completely neurotic and tries to change the answering machine before a woman gets home. Jerry breaks up with a girl because she likes the cotton Dockers commercial. Both resemble break-ups of the two in the future. The episode also features a very relatable moment regarding the male population’s obliviousness to women hitting on them when George does not go up for coffee because ‘it keeps me up at night.’

124. The Bookstore (Episode 173–9.17)

George gets caught pooping with a book, Kramer wants to hook the homeless up to a rickshaw, it’s usually Season 9 stuff. I’ve really got nothing else to say about this episode. I’m kind of sick of writing about Season 9, actually.

123. The Finale (Episode 179 & 180)

This is probably going to be the longest write-up because it’s The Finale. I defended The Finale for a long time. I really enjoyed how they brought everyone back and it’s basically a second clip show. However, it just kind of drags on and it’s almost a dramedy, with no real jokes or building up to anything. I mean is the best thing they could think of this stupid “good samaritan” law? Like we knew they were horrible human beings, but is them being arrested in the end really the best way to go? I do enjoy how Elaine tries to call someone on a cell phone and it’s considered rude because it’s 1998 and cell phones are still in their infancy. I also enjoy how the man who replaced Russell/Rita at NBC is Boon from Animal House. Finally, I know it’s not a joke everyone’s going to get, but Frank screaming at Steinbrenner about giving “12 million dollars to Hideki Irabu” gets me every time. It’s even funnier because over the next 10 years, you could pretty much fill anyone else in Irabu’s spot. Alright, enough with the Yankees (for now).

122. The Red Dot (Episode 29–3.12)

Hennigan’s — No Tell, No Smell Scotch. Kramer’s impromptu acting on Hennigan’s is easily the most memorable part of this episode. The Red Dot also solidifies George’s cheapness as he hears the cashmere sweater is marked down $515 because of the red dot. It also solidifies George’s lack of awareness as he has sex with the cleaning woman on his desk. I always felt a little uncomfortable about Elaine’s alcoholic boyfriend, though…

121. The Hot Tub (Episode 115–7.5)

Ah, Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul. The marathon runner who was screwed by Jerry because of Kramer’s hot tub. Why does Jerry force one of the best marathon runners in the world to sleep on the couch? You have to sacrifice your bed for the guy if he’s going to run a marathon. Anyway, George is very helpful to everyone ever in this episode by teaching us that looking annoyed all the time makes it look like you’re busy. It really does work.

120. The Strongbox (Episode 170–9.14)

Who would’ve thought during the first couple seasons that Kramer and Jerry would be digging up a dead bird? Yeah, I wasn’t enthralled with this episode either. George can’t break up with his girlfriend so he tries to date another one who’s always tan and looks like “a carrot.” The whole ‘guy lives near Jerry but Jerry keeps him out of the building’ storyline is a bit flat. It’s not like they ran out of ideas, but it almost feels like they ran out of ideas.

119. The Chaperone (Episode 87–6.1)

Jerry is dating a Miss America contestant (which seems weird looking back on it, maybe the girls are just younger now) and kills her doves, of course. We meet Mr. Pitt for the first time after Jujyfruits cause Pendant Publishing to go under. George makes the great suggestion of having the Yankees wear cotton uniforms, which end up shrinking, of course. We also see Buck Showalter, who will later be fired on Seinfeld…

118. The Old Man (Episode 58–4.18)

The Old Man is one of those episodes that seems like it’d be good upon re-watch, but then I can’t get into it. The gang (with the exception of Kramer) all watches old people who drive them crazy or are driven crazy by the gang. Jerry’s old guy bites Kramer (what is it with Kramer being bitten in this series?) and we learn that Sergio Mendez can’t walk down the street in South America. Newman is revealed as a USPS worker and that goiter is a lot less funny to me than everyone else, I guess.

117. The Cartoon (Episode 169–9.13)

Elaine steals a cartoon, but is that really enough to name the episode about it? It’s nothing special. Kramer trying to be silent is all right, but could have been done better, kind of like him in the skinny jeans. The George dating a female Jerry storyline is just creepy to me. And as annoying as Kathy Griffin is, it’s great when Newman comes up to her as her biggest fan and says it’s great to see a show that’s “about something.”

116. The Suicide (Episode 32–3.15)

We’re introduced to Wayne Knight, which is immediately followed by Jerry saying “Hello, Newman.” Jerry’s neighbor Martin tries to commit suicide and his girlfriend tries to get with Jerry, but the champion of the episode has to be Drake’s Coffee Cakes. My dad used to buy ‘the big boy’ for me because it’s one of his favorite moments. I also noticed a couple minor continuity errors — 1. Jerry says George’s father is bald (the actor who originally played Frank was bald, but Jerry Stiller obviously is not. 2. Kramer knows you can come out of a coma in this episode, but later learns that you can come out of a coma in “The Comeback.”

115. The Deal (Episode 14–2.9)

The Deal has a little bit of this and a bit of that. It tells us what we already know: that friends with benefits never work. However, Seinfeld always does everything a little differently than everyone else and the conversation laying down the ground rules to “the deal” — the wording, the delivery and the tension — makes the episode stand out over others.

114. The Pilot (Episodes 62 & 63–4.23 & 4.24)

This is a long episode, both in actual time and how long it felt to watch. By this point in Season 4, I’m just glad Russell and Joe Davola are gone for good. Sure, Kramer being constipated is funny and bald Jeremy Piven playing George is fantastic, but it doesn’t really stick out like the other two-parters, at least not on re-watch. My favorite part of the episode is when all the Season 4 characters are watching the pilot but Newman is asleep watching the Yankee game. Then again, I’m just a big fan of when the show uses New York sports teams.

113. The Comeback (Episode 147–8.13)

Another game for Milos!!! Sure, the Jerk Store called and they’re running out of you, but this episode doesn’t really have it. The idea that you think of a comeback much later than when you can use it is relatable, but this is a dumb story even for George. Another thing that bothers me about this episode is the Elaine story with the movies and her going for Gene picks vs. Vincent picks. I feel like Julia’s talents were better used in earlier episodes but the stories just became silly by the end of the run. Also, since when does Jerry play tennis?

112. The Gymnast (Episode 92–6.5)

I don’t really have much to say about The Gymnast. George eats trash, Jerry dates a gymnast, Kramer tries to pass a kidney stone and Elaine makes Mr. Pitt look like Hitler. That’s all I’ve got. Really.

111. The Movie (Episode 54–4.14)

A mediocre episode compared to the rest of Season 4. Sure we learn about Rochelle, Rochelle — the story of a young girl’s strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk — but otherwise, it’s somewhat lackluster. Kramer gets his Papaya King hot dog (which I still need to try) and it’s another episode that wouldn’t work today because the group could just easily text each other (that doesn’t knock the episode down, just an observation, one that basically everyone has made). Pat Buckles is meant to get on Jerry’s nerves, but he gets on mine, essentially ruining the episode.

110. The Fix-Up (Episode 33–3.16)

The Fix-Up has the long conversation about how George and Cynthia would be a good fit to date each other. It’s also the first episode where the crowd claps for Kramer’s entrance, something the show’s crew didn’t like at all. George gives us the classic line of “my boys can swim.” Overall, it’s a good episode with decent moments here and there but somewhat middle of the road.

109. The Smelly Car (Episode 61–4.22)

The Smelly Car is a silly idea, but realistically, how can a car smell that bad? It just didn’t seem overly realistic (not that many episodes of Seinfeld are). It seemed to be missing something, with the whole episode revolving around trying to get rid of this stench and the minor plotline of Susan becoming a lesbian. This episode just didn’t do it for me.

108. The Secretary (Episode 95–6.8)

Only George would hire a secretary for her looks because she’s unattractive, then still have sex with her. Not only that, only George would blurt out I’m giving you a raise. Anyway, we finally see George Steinbrenner’s office, which is the location of plenty of classic moments throughout the later seasons of the show. One minor note: the Demi Moore conversation (“I’ve never heard of a sem-ee tractor trailer”) is a great one and a good point by George.

107. The Café (Episode 24–3.7)

The Café is our introduction to Babu Bhatt and a solid episode at that. George lies about his IQ and has Elaine take the test but chaos ensues when they take the test at The Dream Café. Elaine eventually gets a 151 (Stephen Hawking is 160 btw), but the beauty comes with George’s ability to lie his way through how his test had food all over it.

106. The Serenity Now (Episode 159–9.3)

Serenity Now!!! For an episode with Frank and Estelle Costanza, this episode should blow me out of the water, but it doesn’t. Like you’d think an episode focusing on the two of them would be amazing, but it’s just…not. It’s still great how Frank screams “serenity now” instead of saying it like he’s likely supposed to because it’s Frank. Also, Kramer’s Anytown, USA doesn’t really make sense to me. Just seems like a weird side story.

105. The Gum (Episode 120–7.10)

I’m with George — I don’t really care for Lloyd Braun, especially this new one who is different than the original and appears in The Hartford commercials. Anyway, we finally learn Ruthie Cohen’s name (I actually liked her and wish they’d used her more) and George seems insane because of Lloyd Braun, which is a pretty clever plotline that I enjoyed. Otherwise, the episode is just ok. Nothing too special.

104. The English Patient (Episode 151–8.17)

Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Thank goodness Lloyd Bridges was discovered as a comedic actor because he’s fantastic at it. The whole idea of a group of old men who think they can outlift Jerry is so silly. Plus you have Kramer cooking his sauce without a shirt and can’t think of a color to lie about his shirt being. I always found that scene so oddly Kramer. Anyway, the final scene with the terrorists on the plane — I don’t think I’ve seen that in syndication since 9/11. I might be wrong, though.

103. The Maid (Episode 175–9.19)

Hey, I’m on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. I really don’t like the maid/prostitute idea, nor do I like the whole Kramer faxing menus to Elaine’s. However, George attempting to be called T-Bone and the incessant mocking he receives from Kruger and company is pretty hilarious. Daniel von Bargen (RIP) did a great job in that role playing an uninterested and dim-witted boss, but he also teaches us how real mental health issues are.

102. The Millennium (Episode 154–8.20)

This episode has good (Body Suit Man & the introduction of Kramer’s alias H.E.Pennypacker) and bad (Putumayo — I hate that storyline — and the answering machine “ranking” with Jerry’s girlfriend Lorelai Gilmore). Meanwhile, George is being interviewed for the Mets Head of Scouting position. First, why would George be interviewed by Head of Scouting when he literally did nothing with the Yankees? Second, why would the meeting be at Monk’s of all places? I know, I take this show too literally. Also, saxophone.

101. The Van Buren Boys (Episode 148–8.14)

Last night I had a dream that a hamburger was eating me! This is another episode in a run of fairly average episodes in Season 8. Jerry is dating Christine Taylor (who is married to Ben Stiller, thus Jerry Stiller is her father-in-law, I’m so jealous) and he doesn’t see a flaw in her even though everyone else does. I really, really dislike this storyline because it doesn’t make any sense! Also, Kramer sells his stories to Peterman (which will lead to the J. Peterman Reality Tour). The one thing that stands out to me about this episode is Kramer slipping on a golf ball, afterwards Michael Richards falls up, something he talked about in the DVDs.

100. The Dinner Party (Episode 77–5.13)

Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie. Just thinking about Jerry holding up the black and white cookie to the black guy across the bakery makes me laugh every time. George wants to bring pepsi and ring dings instead of wine and babka, but Elaine is sold on the babka. Jerry’s vomit streak breaks, George and Kramer see who they think is Saddam Hussein and you’ll win the pennant with hair for phlegm. That’s all there really is to this episode.

99. The Money (Episode 146–8.12)

This is another one of those episodes that has that memorable moment or phrase (“Jimmy Legs”) but doesn’t have much else outside of that. George finds out that Estelle and Frank are sitting on a ton of money but doesn’t know if he wants them to go to Florida and spend it or stay and keep the money. Jerry thinks it’ll take 20 years for him to inherit the money anyway (the episode aired on January 16, 1997 and both Estelle Harris and Jerry Stiller are still alive, so that’s a pretty good guess by Jerry).

98. The Cigar Store Indian (Episode 74–5.10)

The biggest takeaway I got from The Cigar Store Indian is that I miss fat Al Roker (or maybe I just miss the 90’s, I’m not sure). It’s really funny to think back to a time where TV Guide was actually relevant for what was on television, now it’s just a place where they interview people and for people who haven’t cancelled their subscription from 1998. Kramer also brings up his coffee table book about coffee tables. I love how Jerry says he gets Dom Deluise and Paul Prodhomme mixed up all the time because I do too.

97. The Raincoats (Episode 82 & 83–5.18 & 5.19)

One of the two-parters that just feels longer than it should. I like it but it’s just a little slow. Kramer and Marty Seinfeld’s discussion of 15% vs. 35% for legwork is in Marty’s favor in my mind, as Kramer really only had the idea, but 25% is a good compromise. Anyway, Jerry making out during Schindler’s List is quite vile and I totally understand Morty and Helen’s disgust with it. Also, Helen saying “hello Newman” is the highlight of the episode for me, outside of Judge Reinhold’s appearance. When I see Judge Reinhold, I either think of Mock Trial with Judge Reinhold (sung by William Hung and the Hung Jury) or him masturbating to Phoebe Cates.

96. The Soup (Episode 93–6.6)

Hey, Kenny Bania! We finally meet Bania in The Soup and he does a decent job of keeping the episode going, but it’s still just ok. The British guy who teaches Elaine what vs. pardon (which is actually a real thing, I try to say pardon now because what does seem too direct) is more annoying than funny. Also, Monk’s alter ego, Reggie’s, looks like the exact set from The Bubble Boy café the gang goes to.

95. The Soul Mate (Episode 136–8.2)

Jerry and Kramer vying for the same girl feels a little…odd. Pam also doesn’t really seem like a ‘Jerry’ girl. I’m not sure what it is, but maybe it’s the fact that she works at a library (Kramer also dates a librarian in ‘The Library’ so maybe he has a thing for librarians. The Jerry vs. Newman ‘chase’ scene in the episode is very odd but funny nonetheless. We’re starting to see the characters get a little more ridiculous, although they’ve already exceeded what normal people would do, obviously.

94. The Bris (Episode 69–5.5)

This episode moves along pretty well — until the mohel shows up. I can’t stand the guy, he nearly ruins the entire episode for me. A fairly decent episode that features the “pig man” who just ends up being a fat little mental patient. There’s also the topic of circumcised vs. uncircumcised which the group finds a way to talk about without actually saying the word, much like the word ‘masturbation’ in The Contest. Overall, it’s ok, but that mohel really bothers me.

93. The Rye (Episode 121–7.11)

The Rye seems like one of those episodes that’s better in retrospect than it actually is. I mean sure, Jerry stealing a marble rye from Happy Gilmore’s grandma is funny, but the rest of the episode is pretty meh. Kramer feeding beefareeno and singing to Rusty was always funny and the ‘hot and heavy’ plot with Elaine and her saxophonist boyfriend is decent, but not enough to carry an episode. I also thought it was funny how Estelle told Frank everyone is wearing wide ties now, you never see a tie that thin. Now 20 years later, skinny ties are back in.

92. The Reverse Peephole (Episode 168–9.12)

You have a question, you ask the eight ball. Kramer’s idea of reversing the peephole to see if anyone’s inside to beat you with a sock full of pennies is a little ridiculous even for Kramer. What’s also ridiculous is Sylvio’s wife is attractive, or that Newman could ever sleep with her. There’s also the great wallet debate (of course George has a fat wallet) where Kramer keeps the big bills on the outside (that’s a five). By the way, front pocket wallet is best wallet.

91. The Wink (Episode 114–7.4)

The Wink is very Yankee-centric, which is obviously good for me having grown up a Yankee fan, but it doesn’t really translate to people outside of New York. The “Billy Martin” rant where George Steinbrenner lists the Yankee managers he’s fired is amazing, but again, it’s not really good for anyone who doesn’t know the Yankees.

The thing that I’m curious about is why is Kramer watching the baseball game alone with the kid when waiting for Paul O’Neill’s home runs. Like, where are the kid’s parents? Oh, and O’Neill is a pretty darn good actor.

90. The Fatigues (Episode 140–8.6)

I dreaded watching this episode because my memory of it is the horrible storyline of Elaine and Eddie running the catalogue. However, the story of Kramer and Frank trying to cook for Jewish singles and George reading about risk management with Jerry’s protege girlfriend make up for it. Seeing Frank cooking in Korea but Seinfeld still using Jerry Stiller as a 70 year old cracks me up every time. Also, this episode gives us “gold, Jerry. Gold!” so it’s alright in my book.

89. The Merv Griffin Show (Episode 162–9.6)

The Merv Griffin Show has immediate recognizability due to the title. Everyone knows it’s the episode Kramer digs through garbage and rearranges his apartment to look like the Merv Griffin set, somehow fitting it all in his tiny apartment. We also learn the term “sidler” with the guy that always sneaks up on Elaine and Jerry basically drugs a girl to play with her toys. So typical stuff…

88. The Conversion (Episode 75–5.11)

Latvian Orthodox? What a great name for a religion. The Conversion is a perfect George episode because he’s doing something so unbelievably crazy, you know that Larry David had to have done it. Changing religions for a woman is such a great George idea. Otherwise, it’s an all right episode, nothing outstanding. Also, kavorka means nothing in Latvian. Not the word ‘nothing,’ it just literally doesn’t mean anything.

87. The Subway (Episode 30–3.13)

This is really the first episode where all four characters have four different stories. There’s a special quality to this episode that I can’t quite put my finger on, maybe it’s so memorable because there are four distinct stories with little core character interaction. Easily the best moment from the episode is the discussion about the horse Pappanick, whose father was a mudder and mother was a mudder. Kramer riding the horse at the OTB was another fantastic piece of physical comedy by Michael Richards. However, the audience clapping when the criminal is caught at the end of the episode felt very non-Seinfeld.

86. The Pledge Drive (Episode 89–6.3)

The Pledge Drive doesn’t really do it for me, despite having former Yankee Danny Tartabull in the episode. Elaine telling Jerry’s grandma to drop dead is the highlight of a rather average episode. However, we do know now that it’s socially acceptable to eat a Snickers bar with a knife and fork and learn of the ‘high’ talker.

85. The Slicer (Episode 163–9.7)

Moles, yes. Freckle’s ugly cousin. In The Slicer, we meet Mr. Kruger, who while the complete opposite of George Steinbrenner, is a great boss for George (comedy-wise). The whole skin doctor and Pimple Popper M.D. is ok, but it does have its moments. It’s just another one of those ridiculous Season Nine plots that’s a bit too wacky for me.

84. The Burning (Episode 172–9.16)

Whelp, I’ve got gonorrhea (that seems about right). This is one of the high notes of Season 9 and it isn’t even that great of an episode. Kramer being typecast as having gonorrhea is a nice touch by the writers, though. George’s showmanship idea of always going out on a high note is something I’m sure most of us have thought about and who would’ve pegged Puddy as the religious type with Christian Rock stations.

83. The Dealership (Episode 167–9.11)

This is basically a bottle episode inside the dealership (with the exception of Kramer doing the test drive) and it seems like a lot happens. George making a candy lineup (that took him an hour) with all twix’s, none of which he eats, is a perfect George storyline. Puddy giving out high-fives, Puddy starting his Arby’s push, it really is a good episode. Really enjoy how Kramer spends the whole drive with the dealer and doesn’t know his name (“Kramer and that other guy”).

82. The Glasses (Episode 67–5.3)

It took a while for me to get into this one, but it gets better as it goes along. Sure, it has Kramer installing the Commando 8 which falls on the dog that bit Elaine in the glasses shop where George is buying frames even though his squinting is amazing because he was spotting those raccoons even though they were mailboxes although Jerry didn’t have the heart to tell him. Julia also does a great job acting in this episode, especially where she thinks she has rabies. Oh, and Jerry accuses Anna Gunn of cheating on him with cousin Jeffrey (who I’m sure would’ve been played by Christopher Cousins and she would’ve sung a really awkward ‘Happy Birthday’ to him which would’ve been the only part of Seinfeld I literally had to turn away from because I was so uncomfortable).

81. The Checks (Episode 141–8.7)

The Checks is your typical late season episode — it’s funny, but nothing too great. Elaine’s boyfriend is into Desparado for some reason that’s never explained and Elaine wants him to switch to Witchay Woman, but it doesn’t take. Anyway, we hear that saxophone again here and get to see Jerry’s good real-life friend George Wallace at the end of the episode kill a patient. Oh, and Kramer doesn’t understand the conversion of yen to dollars, which is pretty comical.

80. The Good Samaritan (Episode 37–3.20)

I am speechless. I am without speech. When I saw what the episode was (Jerry dates a hit-and-run victim), my memory told me it wasn’t a good episode. It’s actually much better than I remember, with Kramer freaking out when he hears Mary Hartman and Elaine’s fake bullfighter boyfriend Eduardo Coroceo. Jerry complains about not getting a thank you wave, while also inventing the phrase “you’re so good looking” when someone sneezes. It also has one of the best throwaway lines of the series, Jerry saying “what am I drinking, milk?”

79. The Kiss Hello (Episode 103–6.17)

Jerry hates being kissed hello by everyone, but Kramer putting photos in the lobby of the apartment of everyone makes everything worse. Meanwhile, this leads Kramer to kiss Jerry, amongst other things. This episode really showcases Julia’s laugh, which is just the tops and very contagious. By the way, how is Elaine friends with wacky hairdo lady Wendy? Also, although it’s been implied the whole series, it’s weird to think of Uncle Leo as Mrs. Seinfeld’s brother.

78. The Package (Episode 139–8.5)

The Package is probably best known for teaching us what a write-off is…or at least Kramer trying to teach us. It’s really best known for the timeless art of seduction and George posing shirtless for photo store Sheila. It’s another one of those episodes where everything weaves together at the end, but doesn’t have the power of those other episodes. I love when Newman gives his business card to confiscate the photos of George and his business card just says “Newman.” Like we learn Kramer’s first name, but never get Newman’s.

77. The Shoes (Episode 56–4.16)

This episode teaches us the ever-important lesson that you can’t stare at cleavage. It’s funny that Denise Richards ends up playing Russell Dalrymple’s 15-year-old daughter and that George gets caught looking at her cleavage. I’m a little weirded out Jerry defended George on the age for cleavage not mattering, but I guess it’s not that big a deal? The Shoes provides us with one of the greatest George gifs of all-time and also has a bottle of Nutella hiding in the background, something I didn’t know existed in 1993.

76. The Mom & Pop Store (Episode 94–6.7)

Tim Whatley! We’re introduced to our favorite meth cooking dentist through Season 6. It’s incredible to me how good of a comedic and dramatic actor Bryan Cranston is. Jon Voight bites Kramer’s arm, which is awesome they got Jon Voight to actually bite Michael Richards’ arm. Anyway, George’s argument that Jon Voight is better than Liam Neeson has gotten even more lopsided nowadays, in favor of Neeson. Also, love how the guy that calls Jerry about the shoes Mom & Pop are selling is the owner of Rigby’s in Kenan and Kel (Dan Frischman).

75. The Frogger (Episode 174–9.18)

The Frogger is another one of those episodes that you know what it is just by name. The Frogger storyline kind of carries the episode, because otherwise Elaine’s cake storyline ain’t doing it for me. Also, how would she not die from eating a cake from 1937? But Slippery Pete and Shlomo definitely help The Frogger climb a couple notches.

74. The Blood (Episode 160–9.4)

I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. A very George idea to combine sex and food (and even more George to try and incorporate TV as well). I really like how they brought back Lloyd Bridges, because I think anything with him in it that’s supposed to be a comedy is fantastic. Also, this episode gives us the song “Manana” by Jackie Davis. If you don’t know what it is, listen to it on YouTube and you’ll instantly know…

73. The Sniffing Accountant (Episode 68–5.4)

Jake Jarmel! My favorite minor character (I’m not biased or anything) feels Elaine’s material (which is really creepy, unless you’re attractive I guess) and hates exclamation points. However, this episode will always be remembered for Kramer drinking the beer while smoking a cigarette. It’s the defining moment and bumps the episode up several slots. George applying for a salesman job at a bra leads to two great things — more interaction between the Costanza’s and Sid Farkus uttering the memorable line “barring some unforeseen incident” which I quote all the time. Oh, and George is reading Glamour, which comes up later in the countdown.

72. The Wait Out (Episode 133–7.23)

I like the idea of this episode — waiting out a marriage because you want to get with one (or in this case, both) of the people in the marriage. However, Kramer’s tight jeans steal the show and the physical comedy between him and Mickey is marvelous as always. Also, I know I dwell on minor things, but if Mrs. Zanfino lives in the same apartment complex as Jerry and Kramer, how is her unit so big?!

71. The Secret Code (Episode 117–7.7)

First, let’s set the record straight: Bosco is not good. At all. Like it’s arguably the worst syrup out there. Now that that’s out of the way, this episode has some pretty good moments. George responding to J. Peterman by saying J. Crew, Kramer driving the firetruck, Peterman’s mother (or the grandma from Wedding Crashers) dying while screaming “Bosco!” and Peterman takes George to the Chinese Restaurant! It’s a decent episode, but doesn’t crack the very good ones.

70. The Opera (Episode 49–4.9)

Overture, curtains, lights, this is it, we’ll hit the heights. And oh the heights we’ll hit, on with the show this is it! Jerry singing the Bugs Bunny theme singlehandedly boosts this episode a couple of spots. Otherwise, just a very good episode. George walking into Jerry’s apartment wearing the tight tuxedo is always a fun moment.

69. The Butter Shave (Episode 157–9.1)

Season 9 starts out all right with The Butter Shave, which begs the question do they come out of the summer with their best episode right off the bat? The episode opens with Jerry and George having mustaches, which is worth a laugh and they bring Puddy back (he’s back for almost the entire ninth season, which is one of the reasons the season isn’t a complete train-wreck). Vegetable Lasagna is quite the memorable nickname for Elaine and Puddy’s on-flight friend and Jerry uses another line from the Buddy Rich tapes (“Then let’s see how he does up there without all the assistance”).

68. The Big Salad (Episode 88–6.2)

If it was a normal salad, I wouldn’t have minded, but you had to have the BIiIIIIiiiiGGGGGggggG salad. Sure, it’s an all right episode, but it’s too focused on the big salad. Too much revolved around the big salad. Enough with the big salad! Seinfeld’s ability to play on current events at the time (Steve Gennison driving the white Bronco like O.J.) is one of the more underrated aspects of the entire show’s run to me.

67. The Doorman (Episode 104–6.18)

The doorman is a very strange concept to me. Like rich people can’t open doors themselves? It just seems very antiquated. And why did this doorman have it out for Jerry? Anyway, the real hero of the episode is the bro (clearly superior to the name manziere, sorry Frank) and Sid Farkus, whose line “barring some unforeseen development” lives on in history as I mentioned before. The bro also made it ok that Kramer mugged George in front of those German tourists so it has some super power, too. Oh, and Frank in bed with George offering him Kasha is just perfect Costanza.

66. The Puffy Shirt (Episode 66–5.2)

This episode is obviously most famous for the object in the title, as the puffy shirt holds a place in Seinfeld lore. It’s a great line (“I don’t wanna be a pirate”) that’s repeated several times throughout the series, just changed up. There’s also the low talker, which everyone has experienced, but likely not to this degree. George’s hand modeling career also leads to one of the great lines, responding “don’t worry, I won a contest” after being asked about his self-control. The episode also gave us this amazing YTMND page, so it’s got some extra points.

65. The Wife (Episode 81–5.17)

My wife has an inner ear infection. Courtney Cox is pretty good as Jerry’s “wife” just months before she got her starring role in ‘Friends.’ There’s really not much to talk about with this episode. It’s good, but it’s nothing stunning. I really don’t like how Jerry cheats on Courtney Cox but it’s “funny” because they’re “married.” Whatever, didn’t take away from the episode, but it’s a middle of the pack one for me.

64. The Label Maker (Episode 98–6.12)

Seriously, who brings their mailman to the Super Bowl? There are some fairly memorable moments in this episode just short of being very memorable, like the Ukraine being weak, George draping himself in velvet, etc. It also seems very Kramer to only be into Canadian football. Any episode with Whatley is typically a good episode, in my mind (maybe it’s just because I like Bryan Cranston so much). Also the episode gave us two classic gifs (I can watch Wayne Knight run all day).

63. The Couch (Episode 91–6.4)

Two major takeaways from this episode. First off, how nice of Joe to allow George to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s with him because George didn’t want to read the book. I mean George practically broke in, but I don’t think people are that nice in real life. Also, this is another one of those episodes that takes a current events issue (abortion) and makes it about comedy with the ‘make your own pie’ (by the way, when I was younger, I always thought that’s what ‘make your own pie’ meant on the menu, that you actually made the pizza in the back — it was one of the reasons I avoided getting it….I was a weird kid).

62. The Limo (Episode 36–3.19)

Astroturf? You know who invented that? The Jews. Easily one of the best ‘random’ lines of the series. Jerry and George unknowingly pretend to be Nazis while they think they’re going to see Michael Jordan at the Garden. To me, the episode is more good and re-watchable than it is funny. Kramer does a totally Kramer thing by having a conspiracy that Jerry is a Nazi or is working for the CIA. Another thing to note — love how George is waiting for Jerry right at the terminal. Can’t do that anymore (thanks, Osama).

61. The Seven (Episode 123–7.13)

Mickey Mantle, my idol! This is another one of those episodes that’s more about the title than anything else. You hear the name ‘The Seven’ and you immediately know what it’s about. However, you can’t really name much else in the episode off hand. Well, there’s Jerry’s girlfriend who only wears one outfit (George thinks he could’ve caught her on the end of a new wash cycle, which of course they relate to baseball) but that’s pretty much it. Jerry naming foods in his kitchen as potential baby names is the best part of the episode (and ketchup is a pretty name for a girl).

60. The Understudy (Episode 110–6.24)

We’re never told why Kramer loves Bette Midler so much, but it doesn’t matter because it’s just plain old funny. Him saying “you are so freaking talented” to her in the hospital makes me chuckle every time I see it. The fact that they made a Rochelle, Rochelle the Musical makes Rochelle, Rochelle so much more than the other fake movie counterparts. Meeting J. Peterman is notable from this episode, as is Frank quoting the Buddy Rich tapes by saying “this guy…this is not my kind of guy.”

59. The Little Jerry (Episode 145–8.11)

The Little Jerry encapsulates how ridiculous Seasons 8 and 9 got, but it’s still pretty funny. Kramer wants a chicken to have fresh eggs, but ends up getting a rooster that he uses for cockfighting. Now he did think they had helmets and boxing gloves like American Gladiators, but how believable would this story have been in one of the earlier seasons. It’s kind of crazy, but the comedy is there.

58. The Abstinence (Episode 143–8.9)

The Abstinence is a really interesting concept that you become smarter when not having sex if you’re a guy but not if you’re a woman. It’s funny mostly because it’s George, because George. Anyway, Bob Odenkirk makes an appearance as a doctor and it’s weird that he’s going to work with Whatley on cooking meth later on. Also, Bernie Williams and Derek Jeter make a cameo in what is another great Yankees bit on Seinfeld.

57. The Chinese Restaurant (Episode 16–2.11)

To me, this is the first episode of the series that makes you go “wow, this is brilliant.” It’s easily one of the most memorable episodes of the show’s run just because of the ‘bottle episode’ aspect of it being all in one place and in a situation we’ve all been in. George’s “we’re living in a society” is something everyone’s wanted to scream out in every day situations. Also, this is the first time in the series I had to pause the episode to laugh (2:10 is the moment, but the build-up is what makes it). It’s something that I could so easily see myself doing — getting all juiced up and angry with someone and telling someone else I’d fight them, only to gently accept apology when they came around.

56. The Pitch/The Ticket (Episodes 43 & 44–4.3 & 4.4)

Another two-parter — in fact, Season 4 is really the only season you have to watch in order (or at least should watch in order) to get the full effect. We meet Crazy Joe Davola and George’s eventual wife Susan in this episode and both Jerry and George make their pitch to NBC for their own show (#meta). The pitching of the show takes most of the episode, but is perfect George and Jerry interacting. The duo also discusses salsa and Ted Danson while Kramer blurts out Yo-Yo Ma. The Pitch/The Ticket is also responsible for the classic telemarketer “now you know how I feel” line, which automatically catapults the episode a couple of slots.

55. The Stand-In (Episode 80–5.16)

The Stand-In is our introduction to Mickey Abbott, who is a very good minor actor, but not on the level of Newman or Frank Costanza. However, the Stand-In will always be best remembered for the guy who “took it out.” Is that really a thing by the way? Like how did the writers think of doing that? I’m sure someone has tried it. I love how Mickey says nothing beats rock in Rock-Paper-Scissors, then him and Kramer keeps playing despite choosing rock the whole time. Also, I’m convinced the kid from ‘Days of Our Lives’ is the same kid that tells Paul O’Neill to catch a ball in his hat.

54. The Sponge (Episode 119–7.9)

The Sponge is obviously known for the phrase ‘Spongeworthy,’ but it leads me to the question: how common was the sponge as a form of contraception? The fact that both Elaine and Susan used it (and that George didn’t know Susan used it) is just baffling to me. My biggest question from this episode is who are the guys playing poker with Kramer before the AIDS walk? I like to think it’s Bob Sacamano, Lomez and all the other guys we hear of but don’t see. Anyway, the ribbon bullies were pretty funny, too…

53. The Face Painter (Episode 109–6.23)

Sienna? He’s dating a crayon. I’m somewhat partial to this episode because Jerry is rooting for the Rangers and hockey is involved, but I always wonder why there is a goal horn at Madison Square Garden after the Devils score (and don’t say Paul don’t take it too seriously, it’s just a TV show because I know that’s the answer, shut up). It’s funny because although the Rangers and Devils didn’t meet in the playoffs that year like the show said, the Devils actually won the Cup that year (and the team still uses Puddy as pump up). Jerry and Elaine’s conversation of “I will never understand people” “They’re the worst” is entirely accurate of how I feel most days.

52. The Little Kicks (Episode 138–8.4)

Let’s get this out of the way — I don’t think Elaine’s ‘little kicks’ are as funny as everyone else does. It’s funny, but nothing that makes me double over with laughter. I find George’s storyline of being a ‘bad boy’ much funnier, especially when it leads to the greatest blooper in Seinfeld history. Also the fact that Elaine still scares George, much like she did in the earlier seasons, is still very funny to me.

51. The Calzone (Episode 130–7.20)

Big Stein wants a Calzone! Larry David is amazing as George Steinbrenner. Easily a top five recurring character for me, maybe number two after Frank Costanza. The fact that the Yankees were bad when George got a job with the Yankees makes everything a little bit funnier as well. There are two things I agree with from this episode. First, you obviously give the tip because the person did a good job, but if they don’t see you putting it in the jar, what’s the point? Second, Kramer’s idea of cooking clothes in the oven is ingenious, albeit a little crazy.

50. The Tape (Episode 25–3.8)

A very succinct episode with plenty of memorable moments, along with a few minor memories (the coup d’etoe, cutting your toenails every 2 ½ to 8 weeks, etc.). Julia does a fantastic job of making Elaine this sexual figure while at the same time being the goofy character that she is. Jerry and George’s exchange that leads Jerry to ask “what is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?” is one of my favorite ‘little’ jokes in the series.

49. The Watch (Episode 46–4.6)

The first several episodes of Season 4 help me appreciate how good Liz Sheridan and Barney Martin are as Jerry’s parents. Sure, Estelle Harris and Jerry Stiller get all the attention as Mr. and Mrs. Costanza, but the Seinfeld’s are also comedy gold. For instance, Morty trying to pay for everything for his son (including when he didn’t have a wallet) is just perfect. Uncle Leo gets a free watch and a wallet with $400 in it in this episode and the Wallet, which begs the question — who the hell keeps $400 in a wallet? Morty said he had $225 when it was stolen. Is this a 90’s thing? An old people thing? Good episode, though.

48. The Pool Guy (Episode 118–7.8)

Ramon the Pool Guy himself is very annoying, but the episode itself isn’t bad. There are the big memorable moments like George’s independent George discussion and Kramer imitating Movie Phone. Jerry goes to a health club (apparently? Like when else has he gone here?) and both he and Newman don’t perform CPR on Ramon because they don’t want to touch the lips of another guy. So again, typical Seinfeld stuff.

47. The Foundation (Episode 135–8.1)

Cheese George, Cheeeese. Season premieres (and finales) have a little something extra compared to the average episode. This episode just comes right at you, with Elaine running the catalogue, Mulva coming back for Jerry and of course, Kramer in karate with children. I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s the physical comedy of Michael Richards that make some of these scenes funny and possible. However, the best line of the episode is easy “you most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.”

46. The Virgin (Episode 50–4.10)

Marla the Virgin (for some reason, I feel the need to capitalize virgin as if it’s her title). A very interesting topic at that age and Jerry makes a good point that “it’s not like spotting a toupee.” I’d also like to believe that Jerry and Larry David actually procrastinated like Jerry and George do while writing the show. It’s a fine episode, but it’s really just a build-up to The Contest.

45. The Postponement (Episode 112–7.2)

Is anyone really surprised that a rabbi has a big mouth (I say that having been raised Jewish)? George discovers that tears are magic and Jerry directly mentions The Chinese Restaurant when talking about Planet Nine From Outer Space, the movie the group was supposed to see in that episode. However, my biggest problem with this episode is that George eats pringles out of a bowl. Who eats pringles out of a bowl?! The whole fun is getting your hand stuck in the tube!

44. The Voice (Episode 158–9.2)

Helloooooo!!! There’s really one reason why this episode is so high on the well-known ranking and it’s “The Voice.” However, Jerry picks the voice over a girl. Even for Seinfeld, that seems a little over the top for me. It’s still a very good episode, with Kramerica Industries and Kramer’s NYU intern Darren who gets arrested instead of Kramer for dropping oil on Jerry’s girlfriend’s head (I always found that funny). I also found it funny that George can pick up a “200-pound scooter” with one hand, considering it’s George…

43. The Doodle (Episode 106–6.20)

“Unbridled enthusiasm” is one of my favorite phrases used in the show. I’ve also always wanted to try one of those Mackinaw peaches. It’s great how George finds the woman of his dreams (the same actress earlier played the woman who George felt the material of when applying for the job of bra salesman because Jake Jarmel did it. She freaked out on George and called him a weasel. Pretty ironic) who lets him dress in velvet and doesn’t care about his appearance, but George never sees her again because she sucks on the pit of his Mackinaw peach. I really thought she was the one!

42. The Caddy (Episode 122–7.12)

I may be biased, but this is one of those episodes I love to watch, mainly because of thisscene. Jerry Stiller is amazing. The way he builds to the moment, explodes and just acts out the whole scene are fantastic. His phone message on Jerry’s answering machine is one of the best moments of the show, in my opinion. We meet Sue Ellen Mischke, the braless wonder, who leads us to more Jackie Chiles which is always a good thing (As an aside, George wanted to trade for Barry Bonds and Ken Griffey Jr. in 1995. The guys he wanted to trade for Bonds were Bernie Williams and Jim Leyritz. Not only would the Giants have never, ever, ever done that, but the Yankees don’t win without either of those guys the next year and Bernie in 1998, 1999 and 2000 but I had to include Leyritz for his home run in the ’96 series. Wow, this got off-topic fast).

41. The Trip (Episodes 41 & 42–4.1 & 4.2)

The Trip Part 2 has always been one of my favorite episodes. However, these rankings put two-parters into one full episode, meaning the ranking goes down a little in my eyes, as Part 1 isn’t as good as Part 2. Still, we see the Tuck vs. No Tuck that has nothing to do with Tom Brady and is about Lupe and the bed sheets. You have Ron Howard’s uglier younger brother pulling a 519. There’s also Jerry calling 911, asking “how are ya?” and getting the response of “Earth” when asking where he is. We also see Marty Rackham for the first time, who will be re-introduced later as Jake Jarmel. Again, Part 2 is a Top 10 episode in my mind, but this ranking is for the full hour.

40. The Fire (Episode 84–5.20)

The pinky toe story is one of the great moments in Seinfeld history and a top-3 favorite moment of the show for me. It’s so jam-packed with laughs throughout and is quintessential Kramer. It’s great how George gets so riled up that people who don’t know who Bozo is (but seriously, who doesn’t know Bozo?) and that Eric the Clown (aka Jon Favreau) puts the fire out with his shoe

39. The Masseuse (Episode 73–5.9)

Stifler’s mom hates George! I feel like I’ve been in this situation before where someone hates me and I try my hardest to make them like me but it just doesn’t work. Obviously, only George Costanza (or Larry David) would work that hard. Jerry talks about his vomit streak for the first time and Elaine is dating a serial killer, sort of (don’t worry Joel Rifkin, I know what it’s like to share a name with someone famous who you don’t want to be associated with). We hear the voice of legendary PA announcer Bob Sheppard at Giants Stadium, which leads to a great back-and-forth between Elaine and Joel trying to come up with names. The Chinese Restaurant also makes another appearance!

38. The Invitations (Episode 134–7.24)

Only Seinfeld could make the death of a semi-main character so hilarious. And really, it’s a good thing they killed off Susan. Single George living with his parents (or even on his own) is best George. I love how the doctor that tells them Susan (or Lily as Kramer calls her) is dead is the same doctor from the Junior Mint episode (and appears later). It’s also great how Jerry ends up getting engaged, George isn’t engaged and their pact from the start of the season is suddenly flip-flopped. I like when stories carry out like that.

37. The Chinese Woman (Episode 90–6.4)

My biggest takeaway from this episode is thank goodness Frank and Estelle didn’t get a divorce because the two of them together are absolute comedy gold every single scene. Jerry’s quip of ‘how can it be racist if I like them’ is a great little line and his response to Kramer never impregnating a woman as ‘slipping one past the goalie’ is also quite memorable. However, the best part of this episode is easily Kramer going commando, which I’m honestly shocked he never did earlier.

36. The Scofflaw (Episode 99–6.13)

Of course Newman would be the “White Whale” avoiding the cops. Anyway, this is one of those episodes where everything comes together at the end, what with George not getting the parking space because of Newman and all that good stuff. Also, I’m not sure why, but Jon Lovitz’s “good for you, Jack” makes me laugh for some stupid reason. George can’t keep a secret (what else is new) and Jake Jarmel’s cutout seen at Waldenbooks lives on forever in the Rackham garage.

35. The Handicap Spot (Episode 60–4.20)

First Jerry Stiller sighting of the series!!! It’s amazing how Jerry as Frank Costanza makes even the most boring line hilarious throughout the show’s run. Basically the rundown of this episode is Kramer decides to park the car in a handicap spot while the gang buys a “big screen TV” (I use quotes because it’s so funny looking at the TV now and hearing Elaine say the picture is “crystal clear”) and a group of customers(?) beat the crap out of Frank’s car (is that even legal? There was a cop standing there two minutes before). The Handicap Spot sees the group flipping from loving to hating the Drake and Kramer tries to name his future son Isosceles. Another minor note, I notice George reading Glamour in the background of Estelle’s Mahjong game for the first time ever during the re-watch. Obviously that’s a call-back to something else that comes up later in the list.

34. The Cadillac (Episode 124 & 125–7.14 & 7.15)

Another two-parter. Really the greatest part of the episode and one of the better George plotlines for me is him trying to get with Marisa Tomei. Maybe I’m a bit biased because Marisa and Jason are both Terriers, but a married George attempting to have lunch with the actress really is quality. Jerry also buys his father a Cadillac, which gets his father impeached from his role as condo President and it’s great for us because we see the crazy old people in action.

33. The Strike (Episode 166–9.10)

Some may find this episode a little low considering it gave us Festivus, but I feel as though it’s more a nostalgia factor than anything that makes this episode stand out. I mean don’t get me wrong, an episode revolving around Frank Costanza and his creation of his own holiday is brilliant, but I’m not going to watch this episode over some others from Seasons 3–6. I also love how Kramer says they’re paying $5.35 and Jerry responds that’s the new minimum wage. Really shows how long ago the show was (current minimum wage in NYC is $9).

32. The Race (Episode 96–6.10)

This episode might have my single favorite dialogue in the entire series when George pretends not to know Jerry to fool Duncan Meyer. It’s so perfectly laid out that I had to put the clip before I wrote this. I love how they get their old high school gym teacher back to officiate the race, Elaine’s communist boyfriend and getting blacklisted at Hop Sing’s, Jerry saying “I choose not to run.” This is really a good episode that I’d watch pretty much any time it’s on. The only question I have is — what happened to Lois? She just disappears…

31. The Engagement (Episode 111–7.1)

The first thing I notice about The Engagement is that there’s no stand-up intro. I kind of like it, but it’s a little tough to get used to the cold opens. I find it hilarious that George has a talk with Jerry then all of a sudden needs to get engaged to a woman that hasn’t been around for three seasons. The classic running with the seagulls makes its first appearance here and we see Maroon Golf from The Puerto Rican Day Parade being friendly with Jerry!

30. The Visa (Episode 55–4.15)

Mickey Mantle, my idol! Everyone around Kramer’s age growing up in New York rooting for the Yankees had Mickey Mantle as their idol. It’s just hilarious that Kramer would punch him in the face (along with tossing several other Yankees and plunking Joe Pepitone). The Babu episodes always seem to rank pretty well. Not sure if that’s coincidence, because most of the points for this episode were earned by Kramer’s fantasy camp story.

29. The Beard (Episode 102–6.16)

The way Seinfeld talks about homosexuality, especially in the early-to-mid 90’s, is astounding to me. I love the whole “switching teams” conversation about converting gays and how they are only comfortable with “their” equipment. Like only Jerry and Larry could make stuff like that about sports and so funny. Meanwhile, does the sketch artist really have nothing better to do than draw a picture of a bald woman for George? And the fact that Jerry loves Melrose Place but doesn’t want to admit it is just silly enough to be very funny (if that makes any sense).

28. The Marine Biologist (Episode 78–5.14)

This was always my favorite episode growing up and 16 year old Paul would hate me for putting it this low, but outside of George’s speech at the end and the reveal of the golf ball, it’s a middle of the pack episode at best. Sure, you’ve got Jerry’s shirts that he’s named golden boy and baby blue, you have Elaine telling Yuri Testikov ‘War and Peace’ was supposed to called ‘War, What is it Good For?” and Kramer golfing/his tirade about golfing, but it’s really not that good an episode (it’s still top 30 though).

27. The Non-Fat Yogurt (Episode 70–5.6)

First off, how did they actually get Giuliani to be in an episode? Second, why would Giuliani’s first move as Mayor be to create a task force to investigate if a yogurt place had fat or not? Anyway, Newman makes this episode great, hanging out with his post office buddies and yelling at Jerry for discovering the fat in the yogurt. We also meet Lloyd Braun for the first time, who, again, reappears as a completely different actor that you now see in AARP commercials.

26. The Soup Nazi (Episode 116–7.6)

The single-most overrated episode of Seinfeld. I mean it’s very good, but it’s nowhere close to the best. Like the climax of Elaine finding the recipes then yelling at the Soup Nazi is average. There are way better endings in the series. Still, it’s easily one of the most memorable episodes. Of course Jerry would choose soup over a girl and of course Kramer would be friends with a guy like the Soup Nazi. However, this episode is what it is: good but not great.

25. The Andrea Doria (Episode 144–8.10)

How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 40? 50? It’s great how George can just make fun of people that have lived through a tragedy because he’s lived through way worse. Also, I’m pretty sure the apartment that George wanted to get was the same apartment from the velvet threesome girl (in The Label Maker). There are a couple of great storylines in this episode, like Kramer taking dog medicine/becoming a dog/biting Newman and Jerry becoming a postal office worker but getting fired because he delivered 80% of the mail and that’s too much. Any post office jokes in the show are typically pretty good (but not too much like I said before).

24. The Chicken Roasters (Episode 142–8.8)

Vile weed! The episode well-known for Kramer and Jerry switching apartments and becoming each other. Kramer’s Jerry impersonation is decent, but Jerry’s Kramer impression is really spot-on. And not spot-on in that it’s just like him, just that it’s a funny caricature of the character. Also, George gets Co-stan-za stuck in our heads, just like “Buy Mennen.” Speaking of “Buy Mennen,” I wanted to find a commercial with that and stumbled upon the most 80’s commercial I think I could find. Actually, this is probably more 80’s, and still relevant. Look at that hair!

23. The Mango (Episode 65–5.1)

Elaine faking orgasms and Jerry being so petty about it is the perfect start to Season 5. Elaine’s “fake fake fake fake” is one of her more memorable lines throughout the series. You also have George’s girlfriend who “feels full after the risotto” and George accuses of faking. What’s worse — faking orgasms or accusing someone of faking orgasms? I’m assuming the former happens more. Something that’s a little weird about this episode is that Elaine and Jerry have sex like it’s no big then go on like nothing happened. I know they’re very close, but I figured it’d be a little more awkward between the two.

22. The Shower Head (Episode 126–7.16)

Del Boca Vista! Frank and Estelle trying to move in to Del Boca Vista to spite the Seinfeld’s is arguably the best representation of the Costanza’s in the show. I never really liked this episode looking back on it, but it’s got its moments, including the ‘black market’ of shower heads. But, it does have some continuity errors, including Kramer saying he only takes showers despite saying he takes baths in an earlier episode. Eh, it’s forgivable. Anything in the name of comedy.

21. The Pie (Episode 79–5.15)

One thing that really bothered me about this episode before I talk about it: how the hell does Monk’s of all places have the best apple pie in New York City? They always call it a crummy little diner. Also, why does Jerry’s girlfriend call her own dad Poppie? Just call him dad! Ok, now that that’s out the way, I really enjoy The Pie. Poppie is a very good minor character in general. However, George’s “beautiful” suit that swooshes is ugly as hell.

20. The Jimmy (Episode 105–6.19)

It’s the favorite episode of New York Islanders radio color commentator Greg Picker, but just barely cracks the Top 20 on this list. Although to me, the ending with Mel Torme aka The Velvet Fog singing to Kramer is the second best ending to an episode outside of The Marine Biologist. We meet Yankees boss Mr. Wilhelm for the first time and Jimmy is just Jimmy. Meanwhile, after finding out Tim Whatley has Penthouse in his office, Kramer is more excited for his visit, which leads me to this question: How the hell does Kramer have health insurance?

19. The Airport (Episode 52–4.12)

The Airport is always one of those episodes that I think I’ll watch for two minutes when it’s on TBS but end up watching the whole episode. After driving around New York a little bit, I can now understand why George gets upset Kramer takes the Long Island Expressway and actually know now where the Van Wyck and Grand Central are. Jerry’s bit about fudge distribution is fantastic and excellent when Tia responds “I’ve never met a man who knows so much about nothing.” Oh and for the record, the average apartment on 18th and 3rd is now $5000 (for two people, in my limited research), up from the $240 it cost Grossbard to pay Kramer.

18. The Yada Yada (Episode 153–8.19)

Tim Whatley converts to Judaism for the jokes…yada yada yada…this is a pretty good episode. You obviously have the yada yada yada, then you have the anti-dentite bit (Jerry’s “they do have their own schools!” is fantastic) and an appearance by Robert Wagner as Mickey’s father calling Jerry an “anti-dentite bastard.” I mean what more could you want from a Season 8 episode?! Also, Jerry calling the nun mother instead of sister is way funnier than it’s given credit.

17. The Hamptons (Episode 85–5.21)

There’s one word from this episode that people who haven’t even seen the show will recognize: shrinkage. It’s the shrinkage factor that makes this episode what it is. I mean having Jerry, Elaine and Kramer see George’s girlfriend topless before he sees her is pretty good, but the shrinkage is easily the best part. Oh, and Kramer doing things on the beach to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys is a nice touch.

16. The Stall (Episode 76–5.12)

The Stall is one of those underappreciated episodes because it’s not as flashy as others, but it does have “spare a square” and “mimbo” going for it. When George turns his hat around when talking to the ‘mimbo’ Tony, I can’t help but laugh every time. I find it weird that Jerry is sitting at his computer in this episode and made a special note of it. I also made a note for “mañana I’m doing nada” because it’s one of Kramer’s best lines.

15. The Alternate Side (Episode 28–3.11)

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I love this episode and have always thought it’s underrated. It has the classic reservations argument (“you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation”) and the unforgettable “these pretzels are making me thirsty.” There’s Kramer’s response to Jerry of “you can’t act” when he says the pretzels line, which is a playful poke at Jerry’s inability to act at the start of the series. Elaine telling the ambulance to hurry, but Jerry responding, “it’s an ambulance” cracks me up every time. I could go on and on, but this is already getting long. Simply put — this is a fantastically underappreciated episode.

14. The Implant (Episode 59–4.19)

It’s like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat! This episode has a lot packed into it, between the double dip, Sal Bass and of course, they’re real and they’re spectacular. I especially like Jerry’s response to Elaine when she thought he was a leg man, “why would I be a leg man? I don’t need legs. I have legs.” It’s a very memorable episode that is pretty easy to re-watch.

13. The Bizzaro Jerry (Episode 137–8.3)

This is about a good an episode can get without Larry David at the helm. Between ‘man hands,’ Kevin as the ‘Bizarro Jerry’ and Kramer “taking care of business,” this episode has plenty of memorable moments. Even little things like ‘Reggie’s’ being the diner that Kevin, Gene and Feldman (from across the hall) dine at. The Kramer and Jerry ‘marriage’ while Kramer is working is hilarious and Jerry introduces his “who is this?” when on the phone with George.

12. The Fusilli Jerry (Episode 107–6.21)

Puddy!!! Our favorite face painting auto mechanic is introduced in this episode and he’s apparently old friends with Jerry. Anyway, Frank falls on some fusilli and it’s hilarious because it’s Jerry Stiller (you can see Julia cracking throughout the scene and the bloopers are hilarious). We also learn Kramer is the Assman and plays a protologist. The Assman license plate just reminds me how awesome the old New York license plates with the Statue of Liberty were, especially with how grotesque they are now.

11. The Wallet (Episode 45–4.5)

This is an episode that ended up much higher than anticipated. Elaine returns from her vacation and really adds a different dynamic to the show (it was Julia returning from pregnancy) while Kramer is introduced to cigars. The episode also has the brilliant hand-to-face-height ratio, where the higher you go on your face, the worse your relationship is (Elaine almost hits the nose). When Jerry tells his parents about Crazy Joe Davola, Helen Seinfeld asks the memorable question “how can anyone not like you.”

10. The Lip Reader (Episode 70–5.6)

Marlee Matlin is fantastic in this episode, just fantastic (I can’t believe she only just turned 50). The most memorable part of The Lip Reader is George yelling at his (ex-)girlfriend that he invented the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine, but there are plenty of other great moments from this episode. George with the sundae all over his face, the discussion of who gets to go to a party (the breaker-upper or the breakee), Kramer being a ball boy and crashing into Monica Seles on her return from being stabbed, etc. etc. There are two minor things I also love about this episode. 1) The music at the party where Marlee misinterprets ‘sweep’ for ‘sleep’ is the saxophone heard multiple times in the series and 2) The restaurant where George discovers she can read lips is THE Chinese Restaurant.

9. The Switch (Episode 97–6.9)

Honestly, one of my favorite episodes from the series. It just makes me happy like few other episodes can. I mean for goodness sake, we get Kramer’s first name in the episode! Although, there are a couple questions I do have. How is Newman so good at tennis? How does he know Kramer’s mother? How does George date a model? Anyway, it’s an amazing episode in spite of these things. The fact that George and Jerry devote so much time to figuring out the roommate switch, only to have George come up with a ménage a trois, only to have it work, only to have Jerry not want to do it — it’s just outstanding.

8. The Cheever Letter (Episode 48–4.8)

Not us, but two men could. The Bubble Boy is the first time we hear of the cabin, but this is the episode where it burns down and Susan’s father tells us his only orders were to “cherish the cabin.” Also, it’s almost impossible not to laugh when George squeezes the ketchup when he hears what Jerry says. This episode also has one of the best closers, with Elaine repeating Jerry’s line that her mom has her panties all “laid out” for her.

7. The Bubble Boy (Episode 47–4.7)

One of those episodes where you pretty much know everything you need to know from the title. Jerry dates Naomi whom we meet in The Watch but Jerry doesn’t think she’s beautiful (she totally is and still is, look up Jessica Lundy). It’s also amazing that Brian Doyle-Murray plays the father of the bubble boy. I will never forget that the Moops Moors invaded Spain in the 8th century. Oh, and it takes 35–40 minutes to get to JFK from W 81st Street according to Google Maps (George did it in 25 or 15 minutes, depending on who you ask).

6. The Outing (Episode 57–4.17)

It’s guys and dolls — not guys and guys. I think this was the episode I had the biggest problem with on the original list. Second-to-last? Really? This is one of the best episodes of the series, with clever dialogue and the greatest porn star name of all-time — Buck Naked. The male nurse giving a sponge bath to a patient, directly playing off the same interaction in The Contest but changing genders, is genius. There were just a couple things that bothered me from this episode. 1. When does the AP ever pick up a story from a college newspaper? 2. Jerry spent $182 on Elaine’s gift the year before, but Elaine buys Jerry a Bette Middler CD? Don’t get me wrong, Bette’s good, but that’s quite the price disparity.

5. The Boyfriend (Episodes 34 & 35–3.17 & 3.18)

JUNE 14! 1987 — Mets, Phillies….Keith Hernandez is really the first big celebrity to appear in the show — he was also in Game 6 if Jerry didn’t tell you enough. It’s brilliant how the writers got Jerry to be jealous of not only Elaine for dating Keith but jealous of Elaine as well. You’ve got the unforgettable Vandelay Industries and “you gotta see the baby” in The Boyfriend, which make it one of the best episodes of the series. It absolutely flies for a full-hour episode.

4. The Junior Mint (Episode 61–4.21)

Like several other episodes, the title tells you pretty much all you need to know about this episode. To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of Junior Mints and do not find them very refreshing — I’d rather have a Drake’s Coffee Cake or Jujyfruits, but that doesn’t mean this episode isn’t a classic. This is also the episode where Jerry can’t recall his girlfriend’s name, a classic in Seinfeld lore. The fact that he chooses Mulva over all of George’s other suggestions (although there weren’t any good ones) always makes it that much funnier. We also meet ‘the Doctor’ for the first time, whom we later see with Susan’s death and other hospitalizations.

3. The Opposite (Episode 86–5.22)

Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle…Costanza?! Honestly, I thought this had a chance to come in first. George doing the opposite is fantastic. It gets him the job at the New York Yankees, which leads to the greatness that is Larry David as George Steinbrenner. Kramer’s coffee table book (which turns into a coffee table) leads to his appearance on Regis & Kathie Lee (it’s hilarious how on the cover it says “By Kramer”).

We learn Jerry is ‘even Steven’ (who the hell are the guys Jerry is playing poker with?) and George blurts out one of the classic Buddy Rich tape lines when he says “we’re gonna take it outside and I’m gonna show you what it’s like.” This episode is near perfection — a brilliant end to Season 5.

2. The Pick (Episode 53–4.13)

Upon re-watch, The Pick jumps above a ton of episodes I originally had in front of it. You’ve got the nose pick, Elaine’s Christmas card with the nipple, you’ve got Kramer getting ripped off by Calvin Klein and his beach cologne then going to model for CK in his underwear. This episode has a lot more jammed into the 22 minutes than you initially realize. We also get to hear George’s explanation of pasteurization to Susan.

1. The Contest (Episode 51–4.11)

You knew it was going to be here. It really is the pièce de résistance of Seinfeld episodes. It’s been said a million times, but the fact they can go through the episode without saying masturbation is a testament to the writing team on the show. It’s the cream of the crop. Master of my domain, Queen of the Castle, Lord of the Manor, etc. It’s actually Kramer who comes up with the term Master of your domain, which somewhat surprised me — seemed like a Jerry thing. The fact that George was caught jerking it to Glamour is both amazing and somewhat sad — sad in the sense he couldn’t just go online and watch porn just 20 years ago. It’s also perfect that this is the first episode we see Estelle Harris as George’s mother. There’s so much you can break down about this episode, but it’s likely all been said. It’s simply the best.

Final Thoughts

I have to give the original writer some credit. It’s a lot harder to do this than I thought. It also took me many, many months to re-watch the entire show. However, that doesn’t make up for the fact he had The Outing second-to-last!

There were several times I wanted to move episodes around (for instance, I wanted to get The Pick out of the two spot) but I stayed with my ranking system, through and through. I wanted to do this in a somewhat set manner, because if I shifted The Pick, it would’ve led to absolute chaos.

I’m sure you didn’t read all of this (if you did, god bless you and also what the hell is wrong with you) but I’ve tried to lay it out in a manner that it’s somewhat easy to read. Here are some little nuggets, if you’re interested…

Average Ranking by Season:

Season 1: 21.6

Season 2: 34.75

Season 3: 46.14

Season 4: 76.95

Season 5: 69.90

Season 6: 66.32

Season 7: 59.73

Season 8: 59.68

Season 9: 52.81

As you can see, Season 4 scored the highest by a pretty wide margin, as I expected it would. It had the top-2 on the list and six in the top 10. Season 1 was the weakest and like I said, a season where they were getting things worked out but you could see the potential there.

If you want to see the method behind the madness, here is the link to the Google Sheet where I did the rankings. I tried to explain as best I could on top what each category was for. The score wasn’t out of 100 (like some people thought), it was just as many points as you could get, although both memorability and re-watchability were out of 10 and multiplied by two so the max you could get for those two combined was 40 (which only The Contest and The Boyfriend achieved).

Otherwise, that’s it. That’s close to 16,000 words for “A Show About Nothing.” It’s easy to criticize someone for writing a list (and please, feel free to criticize this list, I’m not saying you shouldn’t), but it’s another to make a list and put yourself out there to be criticized. So thank you, Larry Fitzmaurice, for creating something that made me re-watch one of my favorite shows and giving me the outline for this project. I wouldn’t have done this without you.

I still strongly disagree with your list, though.

If you want to share your rankings or just tell me how bad mine are, feel free to let me know on Twitter!